Week’s not even halfway through and I’m callin’ it: shitty

Monday: shitty.

Tuesday: shitty.

Wednesday? Well, it’s only 6AM, and I’ve only been up for an hour, but it’s been a shitty hour.

Not because of things happening. Like, it’s not like I woke up and my cat clawed my face off, which would be unfortunate to say the least.

I just feel like all the joy has been drained in my body. The feeling is as physical as it is emotional. My body is heavy; my gait is slow; my jaw is tight; my stomach hurts; I have a clawing ache in my ribs. I had a friend who did ecstasy and told me about the serotonin drop and subsequent depression the next day. What he described is exactly what I feel like on the day-to-day — just like those resources have been physically siphoned away from me. And hell, I didn’t even do any fun sexy drugs first.

And because this is a physical problem (your brain, after all, is an organ), I’ve been doing what I can to treat it physically. My nutrition game has been top-notch lately. Lots of omega-3 fatty acids, mostly from seafood and flax, lots of green vegetables, lots of nuts and coconut and healthy oils. I’ve been snuggling my fiance even more than usual lately, which is impressive because we’re both Stage 5 Clingers and always touching body parts in some way or another. I’ve also been petting my cat more, because dude is fuzzy and warm and never stops purring, like a portable babbling brook.

But I still wake up feeling emotionally hungover every day.

The good news is, my fiance and his mother worked together to get me a shrink appointment for tomorrow. Given my experiences with doctors, that turnaround is pretty goddamn miraculous. I’m so lucky to have such a wonderful support system.

3 thoughts on “Week’s not even halfway through and I’m callin’ it: shitty

  1. Please increase your font size. I wear glasses, but now I feel like I should be wearing telescopes. Ouch.

    On the topic of what you are discussing…yeeeeah it’s a shitty week, it ain’t just you :D

    Have you tried asking about other types of drugs? Personally I found SSRI’s to not so much help me as FUCKING MAKE LIFE HELL in terms of side effects and just, not helping at all with the depression. Switched over to a NaSSA (stupid name) and things got a bit better.

    • Dude you are so right on about the font. One of these days I’ll cough up the money for font customization, haha. I have shitty eyes, too. Glasses are like half an inch thick. I think I like to punish myself.

      Also 1. I don’t think I’ve tried NaSSAs — I should mention that to my doc tonight! Thanks! I feel like I’ve been on everything else, from SSRIs to anti-psychotics. (Abilify actually helped I think maybe, but I gained 10 lbs in a week.)

      and 2. I hope your week improves <3

      • Mirtazapine is what I’m on, it supposedly also increases your appetite but I hadn’t noticed that side effect. It doesn’t make me nauseous or give you the shakes, no headaches or anything like that.

        BUT, and this is the reason I might ask to be switched or augmented with something else, it does seem to deaden your emotions. Like on some days, I feel literally nothing and cannot display affection or reciprocate affection (or anything really).

        It’s a bit of a catch 22, because it successfully quiets the bad voice inside but prevents me from being able to experience emotion properly. It’s either no feelings or BANG all feelings at once and emotional overload (I fucking got overwhelmed watching 12 Years A Slave).

        Trouble is, no matter how much they claim, they still don’t know exactly what the mechanism of action on all these types of drugs really is. Serotonin is not fully understood. They are just throwing their nice, taxable, ‘legal’ drugs at us to see what works.

        The irony is that taking this medication, these ‘anti depressants’, completely blocks the effects of psychedelic drugs that have been the only thing to give me noticeable, lasting improvement in mood and outlook. But now I can’t take them. Oh well.

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